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San Andreas: The Review

San Andreas: The review

 San Andreas;The Review. By Phil Airson June 2015

Phil takes us on another jarring ride through his pinball movie-mind, this time on the shifty plates of San Andreas. More precisely, Phil reviews a new action film

Disclaimer: The Rock does not use the following vehicles in this film: 1) submarine; 2) penny farthing. END OF LIST.

Let me start off by expressing concern for my dear friend, the Rock. My friend you are fine, you are a demi-god, but please stop working out. You make me look silly, and you’re starting to look like a cartoon cloud made of muscles.

This film opens with a harsh message. A girl is driving along a road, she texts, the earth crumbles and she flies off the road, plummeting down a cliff! Don’t text and drive guys – THE EARTH KNOWS!

Everything is crumbling around air rescue pilot, played by the Rock, in this film. He’s getting divorced from his wife because their child died in a rafting accident, his ex-wife is now shacked up with some slimeball who you know is going to be a bad step-dad and has a daughter who has an unnaturally bouncy chest. (Like out of control basket balls inducing motion sickness and mild arousal at the same time.) And while everything is crumbling around the Rock figuratively, things start to crumble literally.

Rock’s daughter gets into hijinks with a random British guy – and his brother! Now don’t get me wrong, I’m aware this brother is a child and shouldn’t be judged too harshly, however, this little rat-child ruined my film from the first line that came out of his Dennis the Menace mouth. He looks like doctor who has stepped into a youth machine and come back in time to ruin his brother’s life ( as well as my night.) He carries a giant book about exploring, on which he has stuck notes like some super nerd, but he isn’t even clever! And this kid’s a bummer. I’m pretty sure at one point he says: “Oh Blake (Rock’s daughter) is going to die,” about seven times in a row. In a real-life situation I would have cut this dead-weight as soon as the weather got nippy, never mind waiting for an earthquake!

And while I’m on a rant, I also made a theory early on in the film, that they must have spent a ton getting the Rock, one of the world’s hottest actors right now. They must have then spent even more on their giant special effects of the world collapsing. It is at this point (they were excited) that they looked down at the balance sheet, and realised they had little to no money left. Enter Paul Giamati! There must some appeal that I don’t get, he was awesome in Sideways but since then he has gone downwards in my mind.

Pauly G’s character works with a tiny team of people who predict earthquakes, then spend the rest of the film saying: “I told you so,” followed by: “You’re all dead, hide under tables.” When Rock & co realise more things are about to crumble, they ask him who they should call and he says: “Everybody.” Now just try thinking about that. The world is ending and you have to ring a list including the local garage, strip clubs, Aunty Mavis, the talking clock, each person you’re already in the room with, etc. THINK ABOUT IT PAUL!

These two things (yes I’m referring to the child as a thing) annoyed me so much I struggled to enjoy the film. I spent a large chunk of time wondering what the Rock would smell like. Let’s discuss.

I would at first have gone for an Old Spice, or wooden smell, but that didn’t seem right. Maybe he’d be sports-fresh like a pumped up lemon? Nah. Then I thought, maybe he smells like a new car?! I just don’t know!!!

Oh look the film’s ending.

All in all, if you watch this without taking it seriously, it could be enjoyable, but if you’re a bitter man like myself, you won’t be able to look past some of the truly awful people in front of your poor face. If we could release a version that had everyone aside from the Rock, his daughter’s midriff and maybe the Asian guy Paul Giamati is best friends with (but still lets die in act one) blurred out, and covered black squares and soothing whale music, then we’d have a film!

This was a disaster movie. It also happens to be a movie about disasters. I love the Rock, I loved that he even showed emotion in this one, but I just can’t condone the rest.

Man, that kid still annoys me.

Follow Phil on Twitter @Airsonman

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