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So what is it?

It's a magazine. Right?

by James Hornsby May 2015

I was sitting in a windowless office by the vending machine, sipping the turgid filth that, in my opinion, was incorrectly labelled as coffee, thinking that somebody should be sued for false advertising, when I received the message. “Write something” it said, “just one little article. It could be anything. About technology, culture….or Sesame street.”

“Hmmm…..why not!” I thought.

Now although I appreciate that Sesame Street has cemented itself firmly in the cultural heritage of a generation, thanks mainly to the moral teachings of a huge fluffy yellow bird – but also the unforgettable comic genius and questionable educational value of mumbling martian puppets shouting “Cow” through windows at telephones (I’d love to see that show get approved for production today!) – and love that, due to Youtube and the wonders of the modern age, this delight is still less than a minute away from even your most amply educated technology junkie, I still have no idea what to write about. I say still, those were just my first thoughts. “Hmmm….what to write…”

So let’s start at the beginning. In the beginning there was nothing but the proverbial blank slate. The empty page. The block of marble yet to become the Venus di Milo. The penultimate breath before the very first brush stroke of the Mona Lisa. Nothing but anticipation of the countless untold possibilities that could be achieved through the medium of liberal expression. And then, in a way incomprehensibly less impressive than the Big BANG (more of a DING really), followed a Facebook thread sprinkled with a few “likes,”. In pockets across the length and breadth of England there were general mutterings of “yes please”, “why not”, the occasional “Hell Yeah!” and “I suppose so”. There was something. The Idea.

And this is it. You’re reading it…or a least part of it. Exciting! So what is it?

Excellent question. I, along with several others, have been coaxed (quite easily I admit), by the Mysterious Mr Koo, a strange and deeply disturbing human being with way too much time to sit and think of Ideas. I’ve been tasked to write something that you good readers and readettes might actually want to hear. I wish I could say that we know what we are doing, where we’re going, what we are talking about…or why we are doing it for that matter? Or even how this article will end. It’s our first attempt you see. I guess you’ll have to wait for clarification from the man with The Idea.

We are a generally pleasant (a very all-encompassing term in my opinion, much like beige, which although generally pleasant is normally used to cover up the possibilities of hidden depths and divisive personality traits), bunch of willing writers eager to spout forth our refreshingly perceptive and entertaining thoughts, musings and opinions unto the world. Some of us are clever, some of us are funny, some of us are both and some of us are something entirely different altogether. Some of us can even think without moving our lips so, you’re in for a real treat.

While we’re on the subject, I’m also fairly sure at some point at least one of us has spent a large amount of time running around dressed as a horned beast on a boat, trying to hide in people’s cabins. Even I, myself have the odd anecdote. I was once sick underwater in Mexico. It was a delightfully unique experience, but not something I  recommend or want to repeat. I’m also sure at least one of us has climbed a three storey house to sit on chimney.

In summary, I have no idea what we will try to tell you through magical medium of magazine. So there you go.

You have been warned.

Having been speaking for a little while and not saying a lot (quite apt, given that it’s election season) I should probably wrap things up. From the very brief and, frankly, poor instructions I’ve been given at this point by His Mysteriousness, I guess The Idea is somewhere between the Ikea and the Tesco of your magazine world (or is it M&S and Waitrose?). It has all the shelves and draws and bits you need to develop any kind of mental home you prefer and has things you need to fill up your newly furnished home without travelling to far away.

Sounds dangerous.

Now although in future I would like to take the TS Elliot approach to inspiration, my turgid filth will have to do for now. Toodles.

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